Presenting ourselves

21st February
The big event this week was the changing clothes day at college – Thursday for BA 1st year students, Friday for MA students. Double whammy for me, as I join in with this exercise. They were all magnificent. The purpose is for them to realise how clothes can change your use and that AT is more than changing postural balance.

As often is the case, some looked so much better – more attractive and alive, but they couldn’t wait to get back to their old ‘habits’. A few of the young women found wearing no make-up extremely uncomfortable. One or two, including one of my assistants, looked extremely pale, and their unhappy face made them look very ill! I wonder if the face looks so pale because it’s so used to being covered up, it doesn’t get the natural weathering which brings a natural colour?

One young man we have been working with finding weight and maturity, simply did now he was wearing dark clothes instead of yellow shirt and skinny jeans....

I was very irritated by my make up and nail varnish by the end of Friday. Also it felt like I was making a show of myself which also made me uneasy. I didn’t mind at the beginning (and it did seem that I was getting more ‘looks’ from the general public on the tube) but I was very happy to get back to my usual clothing identity on Saturday.

Our film director said true – that usually I look a little younger for my age (54! How did that happen?) But with the make up etc it didn’t suit at all and made me look older – and we discussed how this is often the case for older women who put on the glam. The opposite effect from what we are after perhaps, trying to keep back the years and disguising ourselves.

It takes me to another brief discussion with colleague Judith. We get nervous when we are about to perform, but there could be little difference between communicating on a large scale or in communicating one to one. Our clothing is a way of presenting ourselves to the world – at least in the wealthy west where there is this huge choice. In other cultures, and where there is dire poverty, clothes are not such a fashion statement! How many of us are genuinely communicating, and how many performing or presenting ourselves? Hmmm.

I visited a folk club last weekend and watched the guest singer pull his head back the large vein in his neck stick out and his eyes close as he sang in that time-honoured nasal folk way. It looked a lot of effort. He was forgetting his words and I did wonder if he had a cold.

My friend and I were leaving at the interval anyway, but I heard the call for floor singers - ‘if anyone wants to come up and sing, just give your name at the door’ and just the faint thought of singing The Blacksmith Song got my heart racing, palms sweating....yet what difference is there between me sharing a song there, or earlier to my friend before we went out? What is it that my poor system fears? I may want to explore this more.

David Gorman’s Learning Methods (http://www.learningmethods.com/) on performing anxiety is rather like ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’, as the reality is there is no-one judging us except ourselves and the fear of going wrong is self generated. I question this when theatre students are being judged and assessed for example...or at auditions, when some outside assessment is being made about the performance.....but this desire to be right, our old end-gaining friend again is definitely interfering in genuine authentic communication.

As an AT teacher I need to wave a flag and let people know I am here, yet part of me feels I’m making a show of myself. Faulty Sensory Appreciation perhaps? Or making a performance of my life? In our trade paper this month I had three adverts (for the workshops, and for assistants to join me at ArtsEd) then a review of a book and then a co-signed piece about The Performing Self Conference in the autmn. I felt embarrassed. Can’t I just be a quiet little AT teacher getting on with her life and teaching without apparently blowing her trumpet? I do recognise the irony of my writing this blog and I am having the same doubts.

There is quite a non-endgaining, gentle push on to bring us AT teachers up into the media age – blogs facebook and twitter- but I also find it time consuming and little bit of a pressure. So I’m inhibiting, taking a step back and releasing myself from the laptop. I wonder if it is this which has been giving me migraines which have been hovering about this week.

However, my summer workshops are booking up nicely I’m pleased to say, though still some places left. So my publicity is working!